These are the thoughts that keep me up at night. This is the channel that God has blessed me with to get the feelings out that I hold inside. Through these words I can escape anything.Ask me anything
There you were, the center of His whole world,
He used to call you His little princess and treated you as such.
Somewhere along the way the tiara made of dreams and high hopes,
Began to crumble under the false expectations that this world held over your head.
You replaced innocence with smiles emptied of all their joy by broken promises,
And allowed your dignity to be snatched away by arms not strong enough to carry their own distorted self-image or warm enough to keep you from the coldness of their hearts.
They tried to place you upon pedestals that were only high enough for the love of your Father.
And you fell, you fell hard.
You shattered the cherished image of a little girl,
Grasping to her Father’s hand for dear life as if too scared to face this world alone.
Faint remnants of that girl cross your mind on eves where the glasses of forgotten-pasts
And shots full of life-long fears don’t seem to drown out the plans He had for you…
The beauty that was given to you was once seen as a blessing,
Now only to be reduced to the thoughts of endless flaws and imperfections,
Unable to run from the cage you’ve been imprisoned in,
Man made of lustful stares and degrading glares.
Who have you become? Who is this girl?
How you’ve turned the eyes that read of the greatest love story ever written
Into darkened silhouettes full of deceit, I’ll never know.
Each morning that you wake, tears fall from the mirrors that must bare an image that use to reflect so much more than regret and over-due desires.
He sits upon your window-pane, hoping the sunlight will remind you of the warmth you once felt wrapped up in His mercy and the security of His grace.
Each sunrise is a melody composed for an audience of one,
Each full moon the overture plucked out with each shining star,
With the hopes of uncovering memories that have been long since buried under a house of cards built by jokers trying to claim His bride.
The heart of the Father is strong and relentless, never backing down,
In these characteristics of true Love He finds the most pride.
I pray for the day that your ears are opened and you embrace the sound of a long awaited reunion,
May the fears, regrets, lost passions and your damaged reflection be washed away by the immensity of His tide…
Take a look at the world from the inside,
from the inside of His glorious mystery.
Spanning from one scarred hand to the next,
His love rushing like a tide.
Waves of glory never ceasing against injustice or tragedy,
but flooding them with majesty!
He rains His power over all that He reigns over,
seeking the generation willing to take a stand in His name unwilling to back down!
We rise up with the truth knowing without our Father we are unable.
But we are for our Father is with us!
He has made beautiful things out of the unholiest of creatures and breathed His ever-constant light into our darkened worlds.
We are able to overcome with the one who overcame the darkness and all that suppressed Him.
Through the blood of the precious lamb and His testimony we are given a perfect blueprint in which to build the foundation of our faith upon, built without fault, nor crack, or lack of integrity.
If only we could construct something so pure,
my heart and soul will wait upon the Lord in silence,
for from His side flows my salvation…
If only I could speak to you the shouts of my heart or even just a whisper that would be a great start. Even it it came out syllable by syllable i would take the time to make sure you heard every word. But would you listen? My strengths are what seem to disable me, while my weaknesses gives strength to the conceivable. Is my mind to feeble to conceive all the truths and dreams that my heart chooses to scream as it races into new places that I didn’t even know it was hiding you. Like a fatherless child who dreams of a place where love isn’t just a word, my heart just wants to be listened to. I think my heart has more patience for you than I actually do. Still waiting for you to return and be rescued from the longing to be held. You who has the only hands big enough to hold all the remains of your broken masterpiece. My brokenness becomes your favorite puzzle, trying to piece back together all the places I went wrong, knowing that no matter how hard I try I just cant make them fit right. Maybe the image of a man I’m trying to create, is more like an act up on a stage…
Sometimes, life comes at you hard! Not that anything unusual starts happening, even though that can happen too, it’s just that seems start to feel so much more real or dramatic or life affecting. As if all of a sudden all the little new things join together with all the old big things, that for the most part have been dealt with and stay at bay as constant reminders that they’re still problems, and decide to make this day, this weekend, this week, hell even sometimes this month, seem like your world is gonna start falling apart! Work, Money, School, Girls, Family, and just living, what ever your order is, they all just merge together, and seems as if Satan just has to kick start one problem and you mind pulls a domino effect on all your problems, worries,and anxieties. I used to be an extremely anxious person. Sometimes just talking to too many people or being around too many people, would set me off into a panic attack. I can remember times growing up where little situations in life would set off a catalyst of emotions and nothing but completely breaking down could calm me. Mind you, now I look back and think what a basket case! I mean the simplest of worries would send me whirling to new heights! But, that’s before I allowed Christ to rescue my heart and mind. I now know what Deuteronomy 6:5 means, when it demands that we love the Lord our God, with all our Heart, all our Soul, and all our Strength. Because that’s what it takes to give Him everything and let Him control it all! It takes all my Strength to say, ” God this is yours not mine! Take these worries and stresses and make them yours! Heal me of all my infirmities! Make me a new Heart and a Soul and give me new Strength in you, I give you all that I have and all that I am!” So much love that belongs to Him that never makes it, so much wasted strength on the things He wants to take over, so many lost and battered souls, because we keep them in harms way instead of allowing Christ to deliver them to the Father! I thank you God for showing me how much I’m worth and how much I need you on a daily basis. because without you I’m lost and fighting for a worthless cause.
Through the year my life has been down up and around again just a few times. all for the sake of making me a better man. A man that can live up to the expectations a Father as set forth for him. You see God has been shaping and molding me, not without some struggle, but I still accept it. I know it’s for the better. But some things are harder to move through. The details may change throughout my life, but the problems still remain. Until I learn to give it all away, I’ll just be reliving reruns in my life. Guess it’s been awhile since I felt this way….
A few days ago I wrote a poem about how I was feeling about my non-existing relationship with my father. I would post it if I could find it, when I do I will. But the poem is some feeling toward my father that God felt needed to be released. It’s gotten to the point to where me and my siblings wonder if he’s still alive. Well today God confirmed he was through one of my father’s belittling bi-yearly emails. I just find it ironic, or divine you decide, that he would send one days after God brought all those feelings to the surface. Not quite sure if this is God’s way of telling me it’s time to confront the resentment and make some kind of mends or just saying “hey, he’s alive and at least cares enough to send an email”. Too many questions and too many what ifs involved in that broken relationship. Biggest question I ask myself…”Will I feel anything when he’s gone?”….
Here’s just something small I wrote to remind me on a daily to be positive and joyful in the life I lead. There is a purpose in who I am, who you are, so live to fulfill that purpose.
Today’s going to be great.
I surrender all to you,
For you’ve determined my fate.
Before the beginning the end you already knew.
May my day be a reflection of you,
And everything you do.
A life in you is guaranteed,
Your son didn’t have to bleed
Because of this gift my soul has been forever freed…